Proverbs 19:21

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Today's entry is about my relationship with my adult daughter.  She will soon be thirty.  Beyond thinking it would be impossible to have her be that age, I thought we would enjoy an adult closeness.  I thought we had been close when she was growing up.  In mid- 2013, it was my shock and dismay to learn from her that she has never felt close to me and she had a horrible childhood.  I had sensed that she had become distant to me beginning with college and especially before and after her marriage in 2006.  I really thought time and a life on her own would soon set things "right."  In 2013, I asked her what I can do to improve the relationship.  It is my understanding I can do a better job of listening.  She lives far away in Germany with her husband, and does not contact me often.  Most likely I can always listen better than I do.

In February 2014, we as a family had a long awaited time together.  For my daughter and I there were times of civility, verbal vomit in Macy's and then civility.  She made me aware that she finds me judgmental, harsh and self centered.  She was abundantly clear that she prefers not to be alone with me.

I am frankly one hurt, astonished and totally puzzled mother.  I ventured to ask my son, three years her junior, if he had any idea what has been going on with my daughter and me these many years.  He asked, "How honest do you want me to be?"  I said that since I asked, he might as well be as honest as possible.  He shared that it is his understanding she cannot stand my personality or my religion.

First, I was stunned.  Then, I felt like laughing from relief.  I was all set to work hard on my various sins, but heck, my personality and my religion are bedrocks!!!  Not a whole lot of options for change there, even though I would like to make plans and take control of the situation and make myself "right."  I think this is why my mind returns again and again to this unhappy situation.  Frankly, all I can do is hand our relationship over to Jesus and say, "Here.  My trust is in You.  You love us all and I trust Your will.  Amen."  Again and again.  All I know for sure is I love her very much and hope to be closer to her someday.

I also take comfort from some parallels I've stumbled unto.  In the book Falling Into the Fire  a psychologist relates her emotional upheaval when a patient with a history of appearing to "fake" seizures "fools" her too.  The psychologist's inability to correctly diagnose and treat the patient made the psychologist doubt her capability as a physician.  Also the psychologist resented being intentionally "deceived."  The psychologist focused on her own feelings of inadequacy and resentment, rather than on what the actions of the patient declared.  My daughter's thoughts and feelings are her thoughts and feelings.  They are not a reflection on my actual capabilities as a mother.  They are not intended as attacks.

Which leads to another analogy that has proven helpful to me.  It was might corny at first.  A rose is fragrant to smell and beautiful to see.  It also has thorns that can prick very painfully.  The rose does not intend to attack, it is simply prickly.  Just as it is lovely.  All of this is a rose being a rose.  I can give thanks to God for the rose or bemoan the thorns.  Thank You God for my daughter, son and husband.  And all my family and friends!!!  Amen.

I try to record and savor each day's treasures.  Today's treasures have been the lovely weather, good health and this blog!!