1 John 1:7

But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin.

From my journal 05-23-90

Today we have an interview, like a job interview.  Frankly I'm glad Alan and I go together.  I find it hard to fret or fear with company!

Monday was our first day of training.  Talk, chat, pass out packets, evaluate, break for treats, get acquainted with our meeting place, and get job assignments for the week.  Next week is  Construction.  That will be something.

06-06-90

I love B.'s humor!  It's good to laugh!  Today I feel "wondering."  I wonder how the day in construction will go.

If M. can be woken up with backrubs and leg  rubs, he has a good start for the day.  And B. needs to be read to.  We took the car to Fair Dinkum (another HFH residence) and Mark gave J. a hug.  A nice day in the making!

We will find out potential project openings and descriptions soon.  Excited!

06-07-60

Another morning feeling rushed.  It started out nice, then I didn't get  A. up at 6:30 AM.  He wasn't too happy.  Then waking M. up at 7:00 AM was nice.  Read to the kids, that was nice.  Then breakfast, then bath.  THEN M. got ornery about the squirt toy THEN he whined, wiggled, squirmed instead of helping to get dressed.  Finally got the clothes on, let's go, dishes left to wash,  yah!!  Then M. stands there and whines.  I screech at him.  He finally goes to his room to finish crying.  I finish dishes.  We apologized to each other.  Had hugs.  I hope he isn't warped for life.  A:  I  should have got him dressed before breakfast.  B: I should have said "OK, you're not helping me, so time out."  I do what I do to start the day off calm, happy and feeling loved.  It went down the toilet today.  But I'm still lovable and loved.  I'm still a good enough mom.  Not perfect. But good enough.

I guess one reason I was so edgy was M. was foiling my perfect plans for a perfect morning.  Take it as it comes Suzie!

06-08-90

Excited!  Happy!  Competent!  Today the list of project openings is posted.  I feel that West Quetzaltenango, Guatemala will be there and waiting for us.  After the hot day in the sun, the cool places, like Guatemala, might be the places of choice for everyone though!

Well, tell us where You want us Lord.  I certainly highly recommend and praise and applaud Your care of us so far!

I'm so happy this morning!  I had enough time to tell the kids I loved them.  They (meaning M. especially) acted like a civilized person giving and taking.  I'm on time!  A real mission accomplished kind of morning! 

Thank you Lord for teaching me that today and Your grace are cover-all-my-needs-cup-runneth-over-I-feel-loved sufficient!

Our present lifestyle is great for the kids.  More outside play.  More variety.  But still a routine.  More kid contact.

It sure was hot last night.  I am so grateful for the ventilation we get upstairs and the fans.  And A. to co-ordinate it all.

I hope we  get some interesting mail!

I feel real on top of the details today.

Isaiah 55: 8 - 9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

More from the 1990 journal as my family and I prepared to serve as missionaries with Habitat for Humanity International:

05-15-90

I read this quote from Martin Luther in the church bulletin:

Many things I have held in my hands
I have lost them all.

That which I put into God's hands
Are things I still possess.

05-16-90

"I will bless you and keep you.  I will make my face to shine upon you and give you peace."

Good Morning Abba -

The reality of what we are living sinks in.  Sometimes I truly believe You want us to be here.  I'm truly ready to put my health, the kids' health and welfare and Alan's health in Your hands.  I know You are faithful and true to Your promises.

You have spoken to my heart and Alan's heart.

Thank You for being here with us one day at a time.

I get anxious and worried if I look to far ahead.  I always have been that way.

Into Your hands I put myself, my husband, my children.  I pray You use me today.  That's why I'm here.  I ask for Your support and guidance.  I trust You.  I love You.  I believe in You.

Thank You for what I believe.  The fact is, either I do or I don't and there is no in-between.  You have put us int that position very vividly!!!

I do believe You, Your promises and Your Word and Your still, small voice in my heart.

Thank you for the gift of belief in You .  Amen.

Well.  The house in Minnesota is sold TODAY.  Bless the new family even as You bless us.  Amen.

05-20-90

We saw Jimmy Carter today!  We went to his Sunday School class at Maranatha Baptist Church.  He taught eternal life begins now.  Love is a moral commitment, not just an emotion.  He taught from 1 John 5.  We got to shake his hand and get our picture taken with him.  He also said Jesus is our role model.  I felt that with the goal of learning how to live my love for God, I can study the Bible and use it to learn more about Jesus.  Jesus is really the guiding light to lead us thru the Bible.  And life.  And learning about God's love.

Yesterday we went to Country Days in Plains, GA.  Outdoor arts and crafts, food, entertainment.  Nice and easy going and not crowded.

We have learned things this week.

1).  Millard Fuller (founder of Habitat for Humanity) is more or less banished to Atlanta for liking or unintentionally liking the ladies too much.  Five women have come forward with complaints of sexual harassment.  This can happen with a man and his organization.  The difference here is that it wasn't allowed to go on and on.  So HFH has been dealing with this since March.

2).  We cannot be non-committal about discrimination.  St. Andrews Lutheran Church in Plains is old, as I said, and WHITE.  We want to shop around, try a Lutheran Church in Albany with black people and white people.  Jesus would. 

Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksksgiving, present your requests to God.

I have been searching for the packet of letters I sent to my BFF regarding my family's Habitat adventures.  She saved them for me and gifted them to me upon our return the the USA.  Can I find them?  Nooooo.  They are in some perfectly logical spot, but this beany brain doesn't know where.

I did stumble onto my sporadic journals (all the way back to 1972!).  I want to use this blog to record my past musings, prayers and concerns.  Let's begin with our arrival in Americus, Georgia, for Habitat for Humanity training.

04-09-90  Wednesday

On Monday we arrived at Americus, Georgia.  After asking for directions, we found HFH.  Americus may be small and rural but it sure is city-fied!  We were directed to our house, named Verite, which is French for "truth."  We have the upstairs with two bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen and dining/living room.  It is really homey and nice with birds chirping outside.

On Tuesday we were given a tour of HFH and informed of the kids' summer program.  We were shown the supply house, where the mail arrives.  We got mail from a family, serving in the Solomon Islands, that spoke at our church about HFH.  I'm a little chicken because one of them got malaria.  Later we got a letter from my brother, R., offering to buy out my share of my father's inheritance for $5000.00.  What a jerk!

05-10-90

Today was floor scrubbing and a potluck.  Tomorrow we will take the kids to daycare and make bricks.

There is sure no hoopla.  Lots of information, act on your own initiative, but no hoopla.  We could be exploring HFH and Americus more, but we have little 'uns.  We will make them our priority for now.

M.has cheered up a lot with regular naps, special times, and having a home.  And a time-out chair.  Whew!  His screaming matches were regular and hard to take.

It's nice to have clean floors.

05-14-90 Monday

I was telling A. about my fears (malaria, illness) and doubts (can we really assess the HFH thing or will we just be swept along by the fact we sold the house, signed up for training, hi-ho away we go!).  I was wanting a message from God showing we were part of His plan, not acting on a mistaken feeling on our part.

B. made me a crown that she said started out to be mountains.  Bit by bit, I felt this was my message.  HFH will seem like a big, huge challenge (mountain) but it will turn into the best thing we ever did (crown).

Neat!  Thank you God!  Keep those messages coming and don't give up on me!

We have felt on the right track so far.  So let's stay on here in Americus and do the training.  Let's wonder if we are right or wrong for the job after we learn where we can go.  Sounds reasonable to me!  I'm willing to go onward or back to Plan B (hobby farm).  God's will is what I want for me and my family.

Last Friday the kiddies tried daycare and liked it.  Saturday was tracking down and conquering work boots in Columbus, Georgia.  Sunday was Mother's Day.  I got two wonderful cards, Mexican food, a Habitat shirt and LOVE!  We found St. Andrew's Lutheran Church in Plains, Georgia.  It is an old, small, quaint, stained glass congregation and church.  Old families, old names, old people.  No kids attended the service.  It will be a change from our Minnesota church.  I get a kick out of being in Jimmy Carter's hometown, too.  Historical, you know.

'Nuff of the old stuff for today.  Today's treasure is God loves me and vindicates me and calls me righteous even when I screw up!

Isaiah 41:13

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Hubby and I decided, when the daughter was 6 and the son was 3, to serve with Habitat for Humanity International.  A. quit his job, we sold our two cars, sold our house in Minnesota and hit the road for Americus, Georgia for training.

We traveled from Minnesota to Florida (Disney World!) to Georgia via car.  This took about four days of traveling, before and after Disney World.  Our darling three year old, as yet to be diagnosed as autistic, screamed every morning, all morning.  He could not be coaxed, coerced or calmed.  He was potty trained, however, with several stops along the road with his plastic potty.

These Northerners lived in Georgia April - August.  Not good.  The temporary housing in Georgia provided by Habitat for Humanity had no air conditioning.  Whip out the camera and picture Mom and the two kiddies passed out in bed.  For the first week, anyhow.

Eventually the children attended daycare and the parents learned the history of Habitat, how to make roof tiles, how to make a kiln, acted in skits and were urged to bond with the other trainees.  As trainees, we looked at each other and wondered why we should bond with each other when we would be dispersing to locations all over the world to build houses.  The encouragements to bond were liberally sprinkled with exhortations by the Habitat community to forgive and forget.

Well, now, that's interesting.  Forgive and forget what?  It turned out there had been recent accusations that the founder of HFH had been sexually inappropriate with staff.  So much for the support and comaraderie of HFH I had hoped would support us overseas.  This cheery development was followed by grim news from back home.

Our church in Minnesota was small and family like.  Daughter, B., was in the Christmas play when she was very young.  I am hard of hearing and I told her usually I could not hear children when they did their parts.  In her role as one of the doves in the manger with Jesus, she loudly and clearly assured us all, "I, SAID THE DOVE FROM RAFTERS HIGH, I COOED HIM TO SLEEP THAT HE WOULD NOT CRY!"

I had attended women's Bible studies there and felt comfortable with the other ladies and the pastor.  It seemed that the church was excited and interested in our HFH venture.  The news came to us in Georgia that our pastor had been sexually inappropriate with one of my friends from the Bible studies.  Satan was surely busy clearing away our earthly cheerleaders.

Hubby is waiting for the computer.  Today's treasure was meeting with our friends from church to study Romans 8 and to share our concerns regarding our families' relationships and health.  We are God "with skin on" for each other. 

John 10:14

I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me...

I know that God likes to shower us with blessings, but yesterday He was just showing off.

First, I was asked by a second grade teacher to talk with two of her students that have not been getting along.  I'm actually employed at the school as an instructional aide, not as a counselor.  I was mighty thrilled to offer my social work skills.  The teacher, the class, the aforementioned students and I all brainstormed together about the two students' strengths and how they can use their strengths to get along.  Time will tell if the challenged students will make it work.  As for me, I do believe I will take continuing education units and pay the fees so my social work license will not lapse.  God may use me as a licensed certified social worker yet!

Then, later that day, who should greet me at Barnes and Noble but C., my supervisor from my former job at a half way house.  The last time we saw each other was when I handed in my resignation as a case manager.  Working at the half way house had become very stressful for me because the lady who hired me back in 2006 was gone, C. was promoted from case manager to supervisor in 2011, the half way house administrators in the far away land of Fargo were suddenly roaring loud and clear in our offices in the city of Mandan, and somehow I went from a valued employee to someone who "did not fit."  Little ol' me did not have the wherewithal to deal with the complicated, opinionated, defensive clients of the half way house (people who were transitioning from prison back into society), and defend myself to an apparently hostile employer.  So, I tearfully quit in 2012.

It turns out C. decided to quit her position at the half way house later the same year.  If my understanding is correct, she also was made to feel inadequate.  Anyway, at Barnes and Noble we laughed, talked about how very difficult it was to work at the half way house and reconnected as much happier human beings.  We congratulated each other on moving on and finding better jobs in this big ol' world.  I am mighty glad she saw me and stopped to say hello!

Then, finally, I was asked to be a greeter at a Joy International meeting called Java Joy.  It was a pleasure for me to say hello, give people a name tag, and ask them to sign in.  The speaker spoke on kindness, one of the fruits of the Spirit.  Lovely, lovely ladies all!

Thank you God for everything! 

2 Cor 12:9

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

So, how quiet is my darling spouse?  He is so quiet that if we have only so many words allotted to us for a lifetime, he has another lifetime left!  I mean, really, it only took ten years to learn his favorite color is blue.  We've been married thirty years and these are some of the very few introspective nuggets that have slipped his lips:  he does not like peanut butter, he does like banana cream pie, and he loves me.  So, what up wid dat?  Please allow me to speculate and stray momentarily off topic.

I may or may not have mentioned that I have two children who are the best children in the whole world.  You maybe thought you had them, but no, I do.  So sorry for you.  Anyway, our first child was a daughter, B.  She was a little surprise.  A bonus, shall we say, from our second visit to J.'s cabin in the Land of 10,000 Lakes.

Her little face lit up at the sight of me.  She made a sound, I made a sound.  We moved on to talking, reading books, pretending to be peacocks and generally reveling in each others' company.  The deceptive little thing deluded me into thinking I had this motherhood thing down.

The three of us, A., B., and me, moved our happy little family Down Under.  A. was a programmer with Unisys.  He told me Unisys had a contract with the Royal Australian Navy and programmers were needed.  I knew A. was very good at what he did and I said, "Put your little hand in the air and WAVE!"  We went to live Down Under for a year and a half.  B. acquired an Australian accent and I acquired a baby bump.  I tell everyone who will listen that he was conceived in Cairns.  Pronounced "cans."  I'm bad.

We arrived back in Minnesota in November 1986.  Our souvenir from Australia, M., arrived April 1987.  He did not turn yellow, like his sister.  He did not require the movie star treatment under the bright lights.  More about the daughter's dramatic delivery later.

We took this uncomplicated baby boy home on a lovely spring day.  He did not want his pacifier for the ride home from the hospital.  His sister worshiped at the alter of Nuk.  I kept putting his in his mouth and later discovered it in my bra.

As you can see, the comparisons of the daughter and son had begun.  She thought I was all that and a bag of chips.  He preferred to snuggle with Dad.  She held a finger in the air, when asked how old she was, and declared "One!"  Actually, she was eleven months.  He seemed to see things in the dreamy distance.  He did not talk until he was two.  Then he up and said, "Daddy's home, get up now."  If she was fussy, she could be put in her crib and soon she would calm down and have a nap.  He would go in fussy, and escalate to wailing without end.  She seemed to enjoy words; talking, listening, and conversing.  "In five minutes we will be leaving to visit a friend," had meaning.  Unfortunately for M., the aforementioned seemed to be noise.  All he knew was:  hey wait, there goes the little cars I just lined up just right, and why the heck are they putting this coat on me, and whoa! this is when we usually eat, and now we are in the car, and I am hungry and I have a cold, and what is this place and who are these people and I AM HAVING NONE OF THIS!

I did learn my children are each precious and comparing does nobody good.  However, the scenario above was repeated whenever our routine was disrupted.  It seemed to me our little one was a titch unreachable.  There was some undefinable something I could not explain.  Looking back, it is possible for me to say that he seemed to be an independent creature living on an alien planet.

Imagine packing up our little family and moving to South America when B. was six and M. was 3.  More to come!

Today's treasure was wearing my white spring/summer jeans even if it was only 45 degrees F.  Tomorrow is May Day, dang it!

Romans 8:18

...consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

That was part of the Bible reading in church last Sunday.  My first reaction was, "Pffft!  Suffering?  I'm not suffering!"  I know from traveling that I am a millionaire living in La La Land here in the good ol' USA.  My health is good, the health of my family and friends is good.  I've got a sweetie, a home, a job, two cats, and a good life.  Nobody is persecuting me because of my religion.  What do I know of suffering?

Then a teeny tiny bit of honesty crept in.  I am suffering from the dissonance, distance and disapproval I feel in my relationships with my adult children.  I have been battling mightily with the despair I feel with my daughter's estrangement from me.  Then while I was eating out with my son, I expressed my displeasure to him about waiting such a loooooong time until the waitress came to take our order.  He pretty much said, "Oh poor you!  Have a little compassion Mom!"  O dear. 

I often feel like the "shoot Mom" hunting season is on and I'm the clueless bounty.  I mean, shouldn't there be the ringing of a bell, or a "Ladies, start your engines," or something? This honesty bit then lead to the realization that a nasty little something in my head (where the heck does that come from anyway?) says, "Yeah, your relationships suck, you suck, it is all your fault and it will never get any better."

Thank goodness being honest didn't leave me with that cheery little bit.  Because, my present sufferings will be completely blown away by the wonderful relationships, happiness, and God's faithful goodness that will be revealed.  Suddenly, being honest with myself doesn't feel so hopeless anymore.

I had a good laugh yesterday.  I just finished reading a nonfiction book with the outlandish title of "Love and Terror on the Howling Plains of Nowhere."  It is about a mysterious disappearance and death in Chadron, Nebraska.  In the book, Chadron sounds like a small, isolated place.  Wouldn't you know, when I joined my fellow instructional aides at lunch, a gal was saying she was from Nebraska and loved everything about it.  And, yes, she knew the location of Chadron!  I love moments like that.

I am a voracious reader of biographies.  I think I will call it a night with "Walking on Eggshells."